On that morning flight to Philly...

On Tuesday morning I am going to Philadelphia. People keep saying how nice it is that I am going on vacation or how lucky I am that I can just pop on a flight over to the US to escape the rather dismal summer weather we've been having in Sweden. When I tell them I am not going there on vacation--that I am going to see my family (which doesn't, in my eyes, count as vacation) and see how my dad is doing following his surgery, those very same people behave as though I am being ungrateful--to them, going to Philadelphia when it is 92C (and probably way too humid) is holiday. But going home to the States never feels like a vacation/holiday. I wish it did, but it never does.

As much as I love my hometown, going there usually reminds me of how long I've been away. I don't instantly recognize places and people any longer. Most of my old friends have moved away (just as I did) or we simply lost touch. Of course, this is what happens when you get older. Especially if you chose to move away. I knew even when I was younger I couldn't spend the rest of my life in Philadelphia. It had nothing to do with hating the city--though I was sure it was due to that when I was a teenager--and everything to do with realizing that if I stayed there I would never really know what I was capable of doing. I felt smothered by what other people expected of me, and I couldn't seem to get enough leeway to have a life that felt like my own.

Now when I go home (yup, I still call it home even though my home is in Stockholm), I have to fight to keep from sliding into the old patterns. I have to remind myself that I don't have to do things just because it is expected of me, I don't have to justify why I made choices that other people either don't understand or don't like.

But even if there are certain elements that aren't always nice about being back in Philly (ridiculous arguments with my sister, missing Tord when I am there, just to name a few), once I've been there a few days I start remembering all of the things I like about Philadelphia: cheese steaks, walking around University of Pennsylvania's campus, the Reading Terminal, sitting on the front porch and reading the newspaper, walking into Center City from West Philly, etc). And I think about people I miss when I am in Stockholm, like my mom and my great-aunt and my nieces and my brother and even (sometimes) my sister.

Being there never makes me feel like I want to move back to Philadelphia.

It's just nice knowing I can go there a few times a year.