Essence and Interracial Relationships...


A few months ago I decided to get a subscription to Essence since my mother always asks me if I've read the same articles she's read. Until recently, Essence wasn't a magazine that was very easy to find in Stockholm, Sweden. Whenever I looked for it on the racks of Pressbyrån in Gallerian on Hamngatan or Västermalms Gallerian at Fridhemsplan, it was either already sold out or never arrived on time. I bit the bullet and ordered a subscription that was more expensive than I would have preferred (expensive thanks to postage + shipping to Europe) and was very happy when I received my first issue two months ago. The articles were well-written and focused on issues that I was interested in: health, how and when we'll overcome the ridiculous "good" hair versus "bad" hair stigma, fashion, education and interviews.

The second issue was also great and featured an interesting, if a little vague, article about Susan Rice, the American Ambassador to the UN. I wanted to know more about her but the article felt a bit more like a teaser rather than the promised in-depth interview that would reveal what made Susan Rice tick.

Then I received my third and fourth issues and suddenly I found myself getting annoyed. The third issue annoyed me more because I felt like every article was flat. But what really rankled me was an article by a woman who was talking about why she gets angry when she sees black men with women of other races. The main point of her article was that black men who were involved with women of other races "didn't have their acts together" or were disrespecting black women. She mentioned black athletes who were together with white women or Asian women and said that their choice of spouse was a sign that "they didn't love or respect the women who raised them". While I could understand where she was coming from, I didn't agree with her and I felt like any good editor would have asked her to interview black men who were in interracial relationships and ask them why they were with their partners instead of basing her entire essay on her experience with men who were either "players" or men whose friends were just out to "hit it and then quit it".

As someone in an interracial relationship, I get very tired of people making assumptions about why I am together with someone of another race. I think a lot of us who are involved in interracial or multicultural relationships have had our share of racist or bigoted comments from the people around us. And while there may be people out there who only date someone of another race so they can have another notch in their bedpost or because they hate their parents or because they are ashamed of their skin color or whatever, I am not one of them and I don't think I am alone.

I am not stupid enough to think that everyone welcomes interracial dating. There are plenty of people who make it clear that they think anyone who dates or marries outside their race is betraying their race. And that was what rankled me most about this article. It repeated the very same racist arguments that used to be used against blacks. It also made it seem like every black man who dates a white woman was essentially saying he hated his mother. And then the writer said that black women had fewer options than white women so black men should show them respect and only date black women. I didn't really follow that logic. The only thing that limits us is ourselves. If we stop behaving as though we cannot look beyond skin color, then of course we are limited. Just because someone is a different ethnicity doesn't mean you won't have some common ground. But using skin color as a justification for not trying to get out there and meet people seems like a sad and lonely life.

There are people out there who think that dating someone white is a status symbol, akin to having the latest Gucci bag or driving a slick new SUV. Anyone who thinks that way obviously has maturity issues. Dating or marrying someone for the supposed status of their skin color is as ridiculous as the "good" hair/"bad" hair debate. And if a black man only dates black women who happen to have long hair or who are light-skinned --isn't that just as bad? He is objectifying the women then in the same way that he is if he exclusively dates someone simply because they are white.

Yes, America has a racist history but we are also a very diverse country. And the only way we can ever come to terms with what our ancestors suffered because of centuries of slavery, is to never let ourselves be enslaved again. But we can't use racism or perceived racism stop us or our children from making friends, from daring to dream of traveling to other countries or even going away to school. We have to accept that slavery will always be a part of our history, but we also we have to move on.

Jill Scott also wrote about "the wince" she feels when she sees what she calls "seemingly together black men" with white women. Sadly, she too seems to think that the only way a black man can have it together is if he is with a black woman. I don't really understand this. If he loves his partner, and she loves him, if they have a successful relationship and mutual respect for one another then isn't that more important than if they have the same skin color?

It's time for us to take our blinders off. It's time to remember what Dr. King said about how we should judge one another. I once said this to a relative whose rebuttal was "I'll bet Dr. King didn't want any of his kids marrying someone white." That might be true--we'll never know since Dr. King is no longer with us. But I have the feeling that, based on all his speeches and his essays, he would not try to stop one of his children from doing so if he felt that it was a relationship based on the principles of love, especially since he fought so hard for minorities to be treated as equals in the eyes of the law and society.

When I was a kid, my mother told me that when I fell in love, I should make sure the person I fell in love with would love and respect me. She told me it didn't matter what whether he was black or white or plaid, all she wanted was that her daughters found men who would be their equals in love. I couldn't have been more than nine years old when my mother told me this but I remembered it. She also used to remind me of Dr. Martin Luther King's words of judging people on the content of their character and not the color of their skin.

Many years later, after kissing a lot of frogs, I found a man who treated me like a queen, who respected my intellect and who loved me as intensely as I loved him. If I'd ignored him simply because he was white, I would have missed out on having a good man in my life.

So now I have to decide....do I keep my subscription to Essence, or do I ask them to cancel it. Well, I don't have to agree with every article but I don't like it when I read articles by people of influence (and let's face it, what we writers write influences others) seem to write without thinking deeper. Especially when the end result is an article that feels shallow and bigoted.